You Go Down To The River

you went home still shaking\nmostly and the dark seemed\ndarker than usual.\n\nyour phone was blindingly bright.\n\nyou set a reminder on your phone\n[[for one year from then]].\n\nand lit a few candles.

your shoes got a bit wet \nin a puddle on the sidewalk.\n\n<<if $bike is "nobike">><<display "down if bike">><<else>><<display "down if nobike">><<endif>>

you looked at the moon almost every night\nand even when you skipped a night\nit didn't matter--you knew what it looked like.\n\nyou feel like the moon is your sister\nyou and the moon are together every night.\n\nthe moon makes your world clearer,\nwarmer and you don't [[believe in god.]]

the internet has lots of bike seats on it\nand lots of information about bike seats.\n\nyou hoped [[the sweethome|http://thesweethome.com/?s=bike+seat]] \nwould pick a bike seat for you but\nthe sweethome is not your friend.\n\n[[amazon|http://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=bike%20seat&sprefix=bike+sea%2Caps]] returned 3,679 results\nwhen you searched for "bike seat".\n\n[[google|https://www.google.ca/#q=bike+seat]] brought back 82,300,000 results.\n\nthe internet has a way\nof making [[you give up.|phraseone][$bike = "nobike"]]

slender nose\n\noddly krinkly lips\n\nthose big ears\n\nteeth teeth teeth\n\nyou had spent\na long time\nstaring at sam's\nhands\n\nand [[almost holding]]\nsam's hands\nwith your hands\n\nbut never quite\ntrying.

running barefoot\nthrough the empty streets\nwhich were empty after about ten o’ clock\nbut you waited until after one o’ clock\njust to be sure.\n\nyour body was lean and you needed it\nto fight your brain\nwhich was a pile of razor blades\nscraping inside your skull.\n\nsam grew up somewhere similar\nand you listened\n\nbut were too involved in your own\n[[recollections]] to absorb sam’s.

you asked your roommate\nif they'd go to the bike co-op\nwith you, for some reason\nyou felt nervous.\n\nyou made plans for thursday.\n\nthursday came around and you\ncleaned the kitchen instead\nor took a nap or something.\n\n[[you told yourself|told yourself]]\nyou'd [[ask your roommate\nabout saturday.|saturday]]

you knew one of sam’s classmates\nand they knew you\nand didn’t have good things to say\nand probably with good reason.\n\nsam let you know this\nand your brain whirled\nso many mistakes.\n\n[[“ah.”]]

<<set $down = "yes">>\s\nit had been a while since you\nwere in bed with someone\nwhich is fine, you have other\nthings to do, other hobbies\nthan just sexuality or whatever\nelse human contact expresses\nfor you.\n\nthough still it\nmade [[you feel sad.]]

[[if|phraseone]]...

you worried and walked home\nyou were always leaving early,\nsuddenly, [[by yourself.|phraseone]]\n\n

<<set $go = "yes">>\s\n<<display either("bikebroken","bikestolen")>>\n

and your heart is swelling \nbecause that's what hearts do.\nremembering that electric shock \n(trying to repair the washing machine)\nwhen you could feel\nyour whole body\nintimately.\n\nlike someone else is feeling [[your body.|phraseone]]

[[the left|phraseone][$hair_part = "side"]] or [[the right|phraseone][$hair_part = "side"]] or [[straight down the middle.|phraseone][$hair_part = "center"]]\n<<if $visited_part eq "yes">><<else>>\nyou remember how you tried to find it.\n\nmen talked about it like it was the northwest passage.\n[[the right part|right part.][$visited_part = "yes"]]<<endif>>

onto an awaiting tongue\n\na walk turned into a sort of stumble,\n<<if $hair is "curly">><<print "and your curls bounced,">><<else>><<print "your emotions fell upward in the cold air,">><<endif>>\ngreen needles were on your left and right.\n\nthen there was the water.\n\n[[and sam.]]

you and your roommate\nwent to the co-op\nto look at bikes.\n\nit's small and people were there\nfixing their bikes.\n\nthe one you wanted was plenty big enough\nand swoopy, if in need of a paint job.\n\nit cost one hundred and twenty five dollars.\n\n[[you bought it|phraseone][$bike = "large"]] and realized\nyou'd have to walk it home\nbecause you'd both come on foot.

you had a big book\nwith a goofy picture of the author\n[[on the back cover]]\nand lots of colourful pictures inside\nof mushrooms and fungi.\n\nthere was a clearing\nwith trees arched around\nlike in a movie\n\nand there were toadstools\nin the middle and puffballs\nand a hard fungus growing \non a fallen tree.\n\nyour roommate \npoked the puffballs\nwith a stick.

.title {\n\t\tdisplay:none;\n}\n\n.passage {\n\t\tfont-family:courier;\n}

worked friday and came home tired.\nforgot to ask your roommate\nand [[slept in on saturday.|phraseone][$bike = "nobike"]]

you both got up\nand the streetlamps\nsomewhere to the east\nwere like very low planets.\n\nstumbled together for a hug,\na different sort of hug\nthan any before.\n\n[[time to go home.|phrasethree]]

earlier in the summer\nsomeone stole your bike\n<<print either("from your locked garage","from the backyard while you were inside putting away the groceries","the lock cut outside of work")>>\n\na friend [[offered you a new bike,|phraseone][$bike = "small"]]\none on the smaller side\nbut still, free.

combing it back. slicking it down\nlooking for the [[right part.]]

“last night\ni dreamed i found a ziplock bag of cookies\nwhich i thought i’d lost\nin my desk\nand you were there\nto eat them with.”\n\n<><<if $together is "yes">><<print "[[sam didn’t say anything.|get up]]">><<else>><<print "[[sam didn’t say anything.|phrasetwo]]">><<endif>><<endnobr>>

you met up closer to the river\nwith a bunch of people on a picnic blanket\nincluding quite possibly your least favourite person\nand you passed around the fungus book,\nhoping that would distract people\nand you wouldn't have to talk\nand everyone else ate sausage\nwrapped up in greasy paper\nwhile you ate a green pepper\nlooking at the water\nuntil a jetski interrupted it\nand you needed to look away.\n\n"i've got to go."\n\nyou walked home alone clutching\nthe mushroom book and some plastic bags\nfilled with specimens.\n\nthe path you chose [[away from the river]]\nwas steep and it felt like climbing a staircase.

the wombat dog walked by again\nand you considered whether\nyou enjoyed its presence.\n\nyou were certainly glad\nit only walked by and didn't\n[[linger.]]

not around\nanymore, replaced\nby your friend, the moon.\n\n"sam likes the moon, [[right?]]"

<<set $river = "yes">>\s\nyou've been out for a walk\nthe riverbank is rocky\nwith muddy patches.\n\nthere isn't much wildlife\nbut it's in the middle of the city\nso you're never too surprised.\n\nlast year you walked\nto the river often\nyou and your roommate had \npicked up mushroom hunting.\n\nyou had become\n[[fungophiles.]]

the orange cat appeared\nand strutted around,\nas the orange cat does,\nup and down the sidewalk.\n\nhe fell on his back and paws up in the air\nswatted at a fly\nwhich tried to\n[[linger.]]

you stared at bike seats on [[the internet]],\nyou went to [[the store]] to look at bike seats.

down the wooden stairs\nyou walked\nas if falling\ndown like an insect\nperforming a complex maneouver:\n[[a stalled dive.]]

going down

<<set $you = "yes">>\s\nin the morning\n(well, early afternoon\ntaking the place of morning\nin your schedule)\nyou looked in the mirror for a long time.\nthis face you've seen a million times maybe.\nevery time your nose looks a little more crooked.\n\nhair is already going a bit curly.\n[[fighting the curl.][$hair = "straight"]] [[maybe giving up.][$hair = "curly"]]

“you mean like cuz we’re friends,” said sam.\n\n“yeah, cuz we’re friends and i have a big crush on you.”\n\nsam looked uneasy,\n[[you felt uneasy.]]

your cell phone make a bell noise.\n\nit is on your pillow which is beside your head.\n\nfor some reason your head is not [[on your pillow.]]\n\nit's nighttime but the light is streaming into your room.\n\nyou haven't had a drink in two days\nwhich is actually kind of a long time\nfor you.

some days you close your blinds\nand sit at your desk.\n\n"i'm working."\n\nand in some ways it's like work,\nit's better than doing nothing\nbut most of your working time\nis spent with [[your head in your hands.][$mood = "down"]]\n\nvery sad.\n[[but not despondent.][$mood = "up"]]\n\nthere are so many bees buzzing around on the lawn.

ten minutes later later \n\n<>\n<<if $dog is "yes">>\n<<display "wombat dog aside">>\n<<else>>\n<<display "no wombat dog aside">>\n<<endif>>\n<<endnobr>>

‌‌you ‌go ‌down ‌to the river‌‌\n‌‌the moon is up or maybe the sun\n<<if $weve_been_here is "yes">><<print "we've been here">><<else>><<print "[[‌we've been here|weve been here]]">><<endif>> <<if $together is "yes">><<print "together">><<else>><<print "[[together]]">><<endif>> before‌

you saw this person with the dog\nevery day pretty much\nand they didn't ever look happy\nbut the wombat dog looked pretty content.\n\nnot a distracted walker, but a dog\nso happy to be walking as to walk\nin a straight line without pause.\n\n[[you wanted to feel like that.|phraseone]]

<>\n\n<<if $you eq "yes">>you<<else>>[[you]]<<endif>> \n<<if $go eq "yes">>go<<else>>[[go]]<<endif>> \n<<if $down eq "yes">>down<<else>>[[down]]<<endif>> \n<<if $river eq "yes">>to the river<<else>>[[to the river]]<<endif>>\n\n<<endnobr>>\n<>\n\n<<if ($you eq "yes") and ($go eq "yes") and ($down eq "yes") and ($river eq "yes")>>\n\n[[the moon is up][$celestial = "moon"]] or [[maybe the sun][$celestial = "sun"]]\n\n<<else>>the moon is up or maybe the sun<<endif>><<endnobr>>\n<>\nwe've been here together before\n<<endnobr>>

“oh god,” said [[sam.]]\n

hand in pocket.\nphone out.\n\nmissed call from sam.\n\nyou texted sam\nbecause your throat felt tired.\n\nand sam texted back\nlet's meet up\n\nand you wouldn't \nleave the house for anyone\n\nbut sam is your big\nbig crush\n\nand you will walk through\nthe desert for [[that face.]]

[[sam|that face.]] is the human\nin the phone.\n\n[hey you] 9:43pm\n\n[hi sam, what's up?] 9:44\n\n[wanna go down to the river?] 9:46

a forested patch\nbefore the [[descent to the river]]\nwhere you once chased a lost guinea pig\n\nit wasn't yours\nand twenty minutes\nof trying to catch it under a blanket\ndidn't answer what you would do with it\nif you caught it.

the sun which hangs in the sky\nand which burned you last week\ncuz you read on the lawn\nlaying on your stomach, (really\nhoping you'd get a little tan).\n\nsince then\nyou've been avoiding it\nnearly altogether.\n\nbut today\nyou made one trip out, \nwith your book.\n\nyour phone rang in your pocket\nbut it was on silent so you didn't hear\nbecause there [[wasn't a sound.]]

you hadn't eaten enough that day\nso your stomach felt burnt up\nand you knew part of it\nwas your esophagus feeling annoyed.\n\n<<if $bike is "nobike">><<print "you left the house.">><<else>><<print "your bike was locked to the railing\noutside the front steps.">><<endif>>\n\na course set\n[[towards the river.]]\n\n

sam laughed,\nyou laughed too.\n\nyou stopped laughing,\nand sam [[stopped laughing.]]

“i, we…\ni was on a lot of medication\nand i made a lot of mistakes.”\n\nsam didn’t want to hear\nabout it\nand you wanted to make\na confession\n\nand sam told you\nto <><<if $weve_been_here is "yes">><<print "[[stop.|get up]]">><<else>><<print "[[stop.|phrasetwo]]">><<endif>><<endnobr>>

“classes have been pretty brutal.”\n\nsam was in school and you weren’t.\n\nyou spent time at work and at home\nand in mourning for every little cell\nwhich died in your body because you\nfelt them all, [[a superorganism’s burden.]]

“what does this mean,” said sam, who got it now.\n\n“i don’t know,” you said,\n[[“do you like me back?”]]

you rode your bike to the valley\npast the cafe you used to work at.\n\n(you looked over\nand didn't recognise anyone)\n\nit wasn't really [[the same place.]]

drop head forwards. a good shake.\n[[you feel like a lion.]]\n\neyes up again to the mirror.

‌‌you ‌go ‌down ‌to the river‌‌\n‌‌the moon is up or maybe the sun\n‌we've been here together [[before‌]]

sam touched your hair,\n“<<if $hair_part is "center">><<print "you look like leo,">><<endif>><<if $hair is "curly">><<print "i’m not used to seeing it so curly,">><<endif>><<if $hair_part is "side">><<print "hey buddy,">><<endif>>”\nand the touch\ninnocent\nwas a flame through your spine.\n\n“oh sorry,” said sam\n[[“should i not?”]]

“i don’t know why this is happening”\n\n“it’s ok, it’s ok let’s forget about it.\nwhatever, i can keep going on.\ni didn’t say anything”\n\n“but [[you did|phrasetwo]],” said sam.

the whole world was squeezing your head\nand your muscles hurt from the sucking\nfeeling of anxiety which started in your\nstomach and expanded through your flesh\nuntil finally it settled like a mist around you\nmaking the world blurrier [[everywhere you went.|phraseone]]

no longer\na midday sun\nand had been replaced\nwith a darker, if more gentle, \n[[fire.]]\n\nthere was a light breeze\nwhich made certain trees\nsound like a waterfall.

<<set $weve_been_here = "yes">>\s\nsitting on the river bank\ntogether and looking up\nat the bridge\nyou talked about growing up\nthe tears had stopped.\n\nyou talked about your mother\nand you talked about the moon\nand you talked about the suburbs\nyou both grew up in, which is where\nmost people grow up around here.\n\n[[concentric rings]] orbiting around\nthe city, caught in stasis.

when you left the house\nto meet sam\nthe sun was <>\n<<if $celestial is "sun">>\n<<display "leaving sun">>\n<<endif>>\n<<if $celestial is "moon">>\n<<display "leaving moon">>\n<<endif>>\n<<endnobr>>

and one from then was yesterday.\n\nyou've been more careful\ngetting your feelings worked up\nsince but you've also made\nmistakes. \n\nyou and sam are \nstill friends,\nthough odd friends.\n\nsam's dating someone\nand working\nwhile you're a sad sack writer\n[[and working.]]

<><<set $together = "yes">>\n<<endnobr>>you changed the subject\nto art; your lowest gear,\nyour fallback, your skeleton.\n\nsam looked ill\nand it was your fault\nif anyone’s.\n\nyou were both working\non projects\nbut sam was much better\nat working than you were.\n\nsam didn’t have an ADD\nmonster brain [[raising a ruckus.]]

a time in your bed\nwhile you were watching\nstar trek together\n\na time outside the library\nwhen sam tripped\nand you lept to action\ncatching forearm\n\n"thanks, buddy.\ni almost\ndid a faceplant"\n\na time at work\nyour boss asked if you were together\nand you moved a bit closer together,\n\nbut\n\n"no."\n[["no no."|leaving divergence]]

the moon was directly over your front step\n\n<<if $bike is "nobike">><<display "down if nobike">><<else>><<display "down if bike">><<endif>>

you have three pillows\nwhich is too many for your small bed.\n\nthey are nice when you want to sit up in bed\nto read perhaps.\n\nbut at night when you want to sleep\nyou have to put them somewhere.\n\nsometimes you throw one across the room.\n\nsometimes you put one between your knees\n(which is supposed to be good for your back).\n\nsometimes you hold one in your arms and pretend\nit's an animal like a cat or a dog or [[a human.]]

"hey you," said sam.\n\n"hi," you said.\n\nyou looked at sam and the <>\n<<if $celestial is "sun">><<print "sun">><<else>><<print "moon">><<endif>><<endnobr>> looked at both of you.\n\n[["i have a big crush on you"]]

[[someone]] walked by with a dog\nwhich looked like a wombat.\n\nyou stared at the bees\nmoving like popcorn\n[[over|phraseone]] the unmown lawn.\n\n

you bought a nice looking bike seat\nfrom a guy with a beard\nwho sounded like glenn danzig\nwhen we talked to his coworker\nwho was wearing a yellow shirt\nwith a grey smiley face on it.\n\nthe seat cost [[fifty dollars|phraseone][$bike = "small"]]

variables:\n\nvisited:\n$you = <<$you>>\n$go = <<$go>>\n$down = <<$down>>\n$river = <<$river>>\n\n$weve_been_here - <<$weve_been_here>>\n\n$part = <<$part>>\n\nattributes:\n\n$hair = <<$hair>>\n$hair_part = <<$hair_part>>\n$bike = <<$bike>>\n$mood = <<$mood>>\n$celestial = <<$celestial>>\n$dog = <<$dog>>

your bike broke earlier.\nwell not broken.\nwell sort of broken.\n\nthe bike was too small\nand you didn't feel like a clown\nuntil a cutie pointed out\ntheir bike was waaaay bigger\neven though you're a head taller.\n\nand the seat was pulled out all the way\nand you rode on it every day.\n\nthe seat started to feel weird\nand it started to dig into you.\n\nhad to [[get a new seat.]]\n\nbut for this little bike,\nwhen you could [[buy a new one?]]

it took 25 minutes\nto walk to the edge\nof the river valley.\n\n<<display "the same place.">>

you are happy with your life,\nit is your life\nbut sometimes\nyou play through your memories\nand wonder if you could have\nor would have\n\ndone\nthings\ndifferently...

<<set $dog = "yes">>\s\nsometimes \nyou went outside\nand sat on the front steps\nwith a book, \n\nor sometimes\nseveral books: anne michaels,\nrobert flanagan, leonard cohen,\nmargaret atwood, gabby bess;\na stack of [[poetry beside you.]]\n